Tuesday, May 12, 2015

I Wish Mother's Day Didn't Exist This Year

Do I really need to say any more than what my title says?

Mother's Day came way too fast for me. I knew it was in May, but the day just snuck up on me. I made it a point not to recognize the day really. I blocked it all out. Oh, I did some funny posts about being a fur mom on some social media sites, but other than that it was just another day.

How can you celebrate your mom when she just passed away and every emotion related to that is so raw? I was blessed to just hole up in the house with LT so no one could give me condolences or hugs. Hugs are the worst! It just opens the dam of emotions. I HATE that! I can hold it together as long as no one touches me.

Social Media bit the big one Sunday, too! Everyone posting pictures of their mamas. I couldn't handle it. As the day went on, the thoughts would sneak in my head. It was like ninja memories coming at me. I talked to both my sisters and they were having a very emotional day. I was not. Why?

I asked LT if something was wrong with me. I was not emotional. I didn't think of Mama on this day. I blocked it all out the best I could. But I still felt something was wrong with me. I should have cried. I should have looked at all the pictures I have of her. I should be laying in bed with some major depression. What is wrong with me?!

I can spout all the info:
Grieving is individual and not one grieves the same.
When she was diagnosed you knew the outcome.
You were prepared for it. You were preparing every day.

No matter how you slice it, I still feel like I am grieving wrong, or because I don't show my emotions I don't love mom as much as my sisters. Sometimes I feel since I don't have the emotions, maybe it's because I didn't do as much with mom or something. Sometimes I feel my sisters are judging me on how I am grieving and what I think or talk about. Even now as I am righting this post, I feel I am just glossing over things and not really delving into my feelings.

I know: Time. Time is what I need. Everything will happen when it happens. For those of you who are going through this all I can say is however you are handling this, it is how you are supposed to handle it. It is ok if you grieve differently. It is ok if you bottle all that crap up only to explode later (God help LT when it does!). It is not ok to beat yourself up, compare yourself to others or allow others to make you feel you are not doing it right. You are you and you will get this.

…Now to take my own advice…

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